Sexual Healing
When I was a teen, I saw a program on cable TV about "sex addiction." At first, I thought about how awesome it might be to be a sex addict, but as I continued to watch, it boggled my mind how these people could be so wrapped up in sex and let it destroy their lives. Needless to say, I watched the entire show, and although I don't recall the details of the stories, the message from that program stayed with me. It's as though the universe was saying, “listen up, this is what you'll be dealing with!"
As I finished high school and went to college, I was aware of my compulsivity issues with fantasy and masturbation but didn't think much of them because the consequences weren't severe, yet. Frankly, I needed some coping mechanism to deal with an abusive, addiction-riddled family I was a part of, so fantasy, masturbation, and other sexual compulsions helped me for a while until...they became the problem. Some in my family chose alcohol, some drugs, some gambling. On some level, I guess I chose sexual compulsivity.
The progression of this compulsion was exponentially accelerated with my use of drugs and alcohol in college. The barriers were down, flood gates open. Truthfully, the drugs and alcohol were not only the catalysts to act out sexually, but were numbing agents after the act. The shame was mounting.
After college, and 20,000 bong hits later, I was arrested. The arrest woke me up enough to address my alcohol and drug problems at 12-step meetings. As I went to meetings, I found consistent chemical sobriety but continued to act out sexually. As my numbing agents weren't available anymore, I naturally chose to medicate my shame of acting out sexually, with...uh, more sexual acting out. Behaviors became progressively worse and riskier, so with guidance from mentors, I began to address my compulsivity issues in rehab, therapy, and 12-step programs. So began my recovery.
Over the past eight years, I have struggled very much with surrendering to the discipline and guidance of others in addressing these painful obsessions and compulsions. I have had some consistent abstinence with certain behaviors and none at all with others. Sex addiction is a difficult struggle because we are sexual beings with a strong natural desire to procreate. However, it is when this natural desire takes on other functions that this issue takes on a whole new dimension. It's very powerful.
For me, the progressive victory I've experienced in regards to my sexual acting out has come from three major factors; seeking a loving Higher Power, being totally honest with a few people I trust, and taking guidance from people who can help me in this area of my life. It also helps to be as loving as I can to me if I do slip up. Beating myself up only keeps me in the cycle of shame and acting out. The most humbling piece of all of this is that I haven't been fixed, or cured, or even have long term sobriety from all of these behaviors, but there has been a definite shift in my viewing these behaviors in their proper perspective, and some definite improvement in abstaining from the very destructive behavior; Baby steps.
I have hope today that if I stay close to the higher power and my recovery network, I can be healthy and sober chemically and sexually today. It has been said that on some level we choose the battles in our lives so that a simple, powerful love can heal others through our healing. If that's the case, I'll do my best to stay on the path of healing, today.
