The Final Red Flag
My ex-husband is an alcoholic, and I am a codependent. I have been going to Alanon on and off since 1991. After many attempts to save the marriage and the alcoholic, it became obvious that my husband was not going to change. My divorce was final in January 2011 after 23 years of marriage. That was when I decided to embark on my new journey of self-love, self-help, changing myself, body, mind, and spirit. I was going to rid myself of my co-dependent ways. No more controlling, trying to change people, and trying to make things happen. No more neediness and insecurities. I was going to work on myself. I read self-help books, devoted myself to daily meditations, ate a healthy diet, prayed, and exercised, changing my body, mind, and spirit. Although I did not feel ready to enter the dating world, I decided to see what was going on out there on the Internet just because I could. I was divorced, after all. I just wanted to give it a try. I could always get off the site. I knew in my heart it was too soon after my divorce. I was still very wounded, needy, lonely, and insecure. The anticipation of meeting someone new got the best of me.
I met a few people; some I liked very much, some I didn't. I seemed to be able to see the red flags and steer clear of men who seemed to have behaviors similar to those of my ex-husband. I was told by many that you tend to attract the same type of man so beware! I felt confident that I wouldn't do that.
I met one gentleman who seemed very nice. We texted each other and talked on the phone. He was funny, cute, and charming. We seemed to hit it off very well and decided to meet. I really felt attracted to this man. I remember driving to meet him and thinking, “I really hope this works and we hit it off.” When I saw him my first reaction, (or maybe it was a red flag now that I think about it) was to notice that he was dressed like my ex-husband, very unkempt. I felt a slight sense of disappointment. I buried that feeling. I stayed for the date and was attracted to the attention he gave me that night and the days to follow. He really seemed to like me. He texted and called me every day, saying very sweet things. He made me feel wanted and gave me the attention that I so desperately desired and had been lacking for so many years. Deep down I wasn’t sure I believed him. I ignored that feeling. When we were together we had fun and we laughed. It seemed great.
The next red flag appeared when he said he had something to do Saturday during the day and made arrangements to see me Saturday evening. He would call when he got home. Saturday came and went, and I didn't hear from him. Red flag, I felt it! I knew it was a serious flag! I should have let go right there. He stood me up. He wasn't worth my time. Do not bother with him again. Let him go! But I couldn’t let go.
I allowed this man to do this to me three more times over the next several months. I was furious and hurt, and I berated him for it. I sent texts and left messages. I couldn't help but text this man, “I thought you said we were going out” Did he answer? No! I told him that it was over, that I didn’t want to hear from him. I told him this several times. Somehow I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t help myself, I texted and left messages. I knew what I was doing was contrary to my new self-help motto. It was obsessive and compulsive behavior. I tried to read my Melody Beattie books and do my daily meditations and all the other things I was supposed to do. Then, I stopped reading.
Then one day, out of the blue, he called to say he was wrong and asked if I would accept his explanations. I hadn’t talked to him for several weeks. We talked for several hours. I felt better again about giving him another chance.
He called again Saturday night while I was away for the weekend. Again, we talked for several hours. He asked if I wanted to go out Sunday night. I felt excited. For a moment I thought, “Do I really like this guy?” I knew the answer was “no”. I ignored that feeling too. He told me to call when I got home and we would make plans. I called at 5:30 p.m., and there was no answer. I texted him at 6:30, and still, there was no answer. I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me again! This time I had a different feeling inside of me. It was a light bulb moment! He is exactly like my ex-husband; I am allowing him to do these things to me, and I am reacting to him just as I did my ex-husband. Memories came flooding back of how my ex-husband would not show up for dates we’d make and then not even call me. When we were married he wouldn’t come home for dinner or even call to say he wasn’t coming home. So many memories came back to me. This man was doing the same thing! I felt the hurt and anger all over again. The feelings were so familiar. I became so aware of my codependent behaviors.
I ignored all my instincts and feelings to pull away from him. I berated him, which is something I believe no one has the right to do to another person. I truly believe that. I should have let go of the first red flag. All of my readings and meditations were not helping. My old behaviors were back with a vengeance! I told this man not to call or text again. His text came back, “Let it go C. I’m not worthy of you,” the same statement my ex-husband used all the time to get back at me for all of my beratings. He would turn my ranting back on me with a sarcastic remark, that I was perfect and he was not worthy of me. This man said exactly the same words! It was my final red flag, I was aware of it and accepted it. I did not ignore it this time. I felt a great sense of relief. I did not respond to him, and I feel confident that I will not respond again. I seem to repeat the same mistakes over and over again until I finally learn my lesson. I pray that I have learned this very important lesson, which is to always follow your instincts. Pay attention to the red flags. Be aware! I am no longer on the dating site. I am not ready for a relationship. I accept that I need to work on myself. I am back reading, meditating, and praying. God, help me to be aware.
