The Final Red Flag

My ex-husband is an alcoholic, and I am codependent. I have attended Al-Anon on and off since 1991. After many attempts to save both the marriage and my husband, it became clear that he was not going to change. Our divorce was finalized in January 2011, after twenty-three years of marriage.”

That was when I decided to begin a new journey — one focused on self-love, self-help, and changing myself: body, mind, and spirit. I committed to addressing my codependent behaviors. No more controlling. No more trying to change people. No more forcing outcomes. I immersed myself in self-help books, daily meditation, prayer, healthy eating, and exercise. I was determined to rebuild myself.

Although I knew I wasn’t ready to date, curiosity — and loneliness — got the better of me. I joined an online dating site “just to look.” I told myself I could leave at any time. Deep down, I knew it was too soon. I was still wounded, needy, lonely, and insecure. But the anticipation of meeting someone new was intoxicating.

I met several people. Some I liked; some I didn’t. I believed I had learned how to recognize red flags, especially behaviors that resembled my ex-husband’s. Friends warned me that we often attract the same type of person again and again. I felt confident that wouldn’t happen to me.

Then I met him.

He was funny, charming, and attentive. We texted and talked on the phone often and decided to meet in person. On the drive there, I remember thinking, I really hope this works. When I saw him, my first reaction was disappointment. He dressed just like my ex-husband — unkempt, careless. I noticed it immediately. I buried the feeling.

I stayed. I enjoyed the attention. He called and texted daily, saying all the right things. He made me feel wanted — something I had been starving for. Deep down, I didn’t fully trust it. I ignored that feeling too.

The next red flag appeared when he told me he had plans during the day on Saturday but would see me that evening. He said he’d call when he got home. Saturday came and went. I never heard from him.

I felt it instantly — a serious red flag. I should have walked away then. He stood me up. That should have been enough. But I couldn’t let go.

Over the next few months, I allowed him to do this three more times. Each time, I reacted with anger and desperation — texting, leaving messages, demanding explanations. I told him repeatedly it was over, yet I couldn’t stop reaching out. I knew my behavior contradicted everything I claimed to be working on. It was obsessive and compulsive. Eventually, I stopped reading, meditating, and doing the very things meant to ground me.

Then, unexpectedly, he called. He apologized and asked me to hear his explanation. We talked for hours. I felt relief. Hope crept back in.

The following weekend, while I was away, he called again. We spoke for hours. He asked me out for Sunday night. I felt excited — and then something else surfaced. I asked myself quietly, Do I even like this man? The answer was no. I ignored that too.

He told me to call when I got home so we could make plans. I called at 5:30 p.m. No answer. I texted at 6:30. Nothing.

This time, something shifted.

It was a light-bulb moment. I suddenly saw the truth: this man was exactly like my ex-husband — and I was reacting the same way I always had.

Memories flooded back: missed dinners, unanswered calls, broken promises. The emotional familiarity was undeniable.

I felt the anger and hurt rise again, but this time, I recognized my role in it. I had ignored my instincts. I had abandoned myself.

I lashed out — something I believe no one has the right to do — and told him never to contact me again. His reply was immediate:

“Let it go. I’m not worthy of you.”

The exact words my ex-husband had used for years to deflect responsibility and turn my pain against me.

That was the final red flag.

This time, I didn’t ignore it. I didn’t respond. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. I finally understood that I repeat the same lessons until I learn them.

I am no longer on the dating site. I am not ready for a relationship. I accept that I still need to work on myself. I have returned to reading, meditating, and praying — not to fix myself, but to listen more closely.

God, help me to stay aware.