The Me I Don’t Want You To See

Before the birth of my child, I had experienced a tumultuous journey through recovery, spanning five states. During that period, I found myself in numerous psychiatric institutions, where I received diagnoses for various emotional and mental disorders. I was prescribed numerous mind and mood-altering medications in desperate attempts to heal wounds that no pill could mend. Despite immersing myself in service and selflessly helping others, there remained a lingering sense of inadequacy within me. Consequently, I kept people at arm's length, perpetuating a deeper denial than I had ever experienced while using drugs.

Reflecting on my upbringing, I realize it was far from a comedic tale. The domestic dysfunction I was born into had a profound impact on my adult life. As a child, I learned to retreat within myself to protect my innocence. Little did I know that as I grew older, parts of me would remain stuck in the earliest stages of human development, allowing fear to dominate my existence. Throughout my life, whenever someone expressed deep love for me, my inner child would unconsciously emerge, manipulating and seeking affection until they could no longer provide what I craved from my parents. Eventually, my deepest fear as a child manifested - abandonment.

I refuse to believe that I was inherently flawed from birth. While there are aspects of myself with which I struggle to be honest, it does not define me as unfortunate. It's not because I fail to express myself authentically in a crowded room, or lack courage, integrity, or willingness to go to any length. It's not because I'm inherently bad or insincere when it comes to matters of the heart. It's not because I don't deserve the familial unity I envy, or feel shame when my parents show affection. It's simply because there are unresolved issues deep within me, parts of myself I struggle to understand, always allowing others to define me. Raised to feel inadequate, I eventually convinced myself that I was incapable of nurturing the adult within me, still reacting to intimacy like an infant. Viewing my inability to form true partnerships as a handicap, I isolated the frightened child inside me as a means of coping.

I've always desired to be a student, but I've sabotaged every teacher. I struggled to differentiate between the reality of who I am and the facade I present to the world as a stable, capable being. I became adept at playing it safe, growing comfortable for years at a time until I lost touch with my roots. Every heart that entered my life, I wished would stay forever, but perhaps they were merely angels in disguise, nudging me closer to truths I was unwilling to face. I yearn for spiritual enlightenment to provide swift answers, akin to the instant relief of indulging in drugs. Yet, I've consistently evaded the necessary introspection required to address these daunting issues. Despite this, a glimmer of painful optimism drives me to embark on a new chapter, determined to rewrite the narrative of my life.