The Me I Don’t Want You To See

By David Weitz

For the past twenty-four years, I have been in and out of recovery in five states. Throughout that era, I have painfully graced countless psychiatric institutions wherein each of them I was diagnosed with numerous emotional and mental disorders. I have been prescribed dozens of mind and mood-altering medications in desperate measures to heal a wound that no pill could ever repair. Even up until recently, and after having worked all twelve steps to the best of my ability I still sensed that something was absent. Even while involving myself in service and selflessly helping others, there still remained a part of me that felt deficient. Therefore, I abstained from allowing anyone in too close; manipulating myself over a lifetime into a much deeper denial than I ever was while drinking and using drugs.

It’s far from a comic tale when I reflect on my upbringing. The domestic dysfunction I was born into I never dreamed could have such an impact on my life as an adult. As a child, I learned to hide within myself to shield my innocence to survive the unbearable trauma I could shake off. I hadn’t a clue that as I grew older, parts of me would remain trapped in the earliest stages of human development, and as an adult, permit fear to rule my existence. Throughout my life whenever anyone expressed deep feelings of love for me, subconsciously, my inner child would surface and begin to manipulate and extract affection from the other party until they could no longer provide what I still longed for from my parents. Eventually, I got the same reaction I feared the most as a child – abandonment. 

I don’t believe for a second that I was born this way. Sure, there are still parts of me that are incapable of being honest with myself, but it’s not because I am the unfortunate one. It’s not because I don’t speak my mind in a crowded meeting with as much validity as my heart can lend in three to five minutes. It’s certainly not because I lack courage or integrity or haven’t been willing to go to any and all lengths. It’s not because I am a bad person or because my intentions aren’t sincere when it involves matters of the heart. It’s not because I don’t deserve what I envy when I see families united as one unit or feel shame when my own mother or father tries to show me affection. It’s merely because there are parts that make up my person I have never quite understood; issues deep within me I could never quite resolve; always allowing others to define me. I was raised feeling so inadequate that I eventually branded myself incapable of nurturing the adult in me that still reacts to intimacy like an infant. My own conclusions to my inability to form a true partnership with another human being I have always viewed as a handicap. Isolating the frightened child inside of me was the safest way to survive in this world. However, the new freedom and new happiness I have heard in the promises can only be obtained if I am willing to set my sail a little further. Contentment behind the internal freedom I have always dreamed of owning requires much more courage than just the supply of basic tools I was given to stay sober. 

I think I’ve always wanted to be the student, but I’ve executed every teacher. I wasn’t able until this very moment in time to distinguish the reality between who I perceive myself to be versus this character I play to the world as a wonderful, stable and capable being. I work hard at playing it safe and get very comfortable for years at a time until I forget about the horrors that come along with getting too close to the roots that make up my tree. I fantasize that every heart that strolls into my world for is for a lifetime. Nevertheless, maybe they are just angels in disguise pulling me closer to the promises I have always feared will come to fruition for everyone except me. Perhaps I am justifying the excruciating pain of having to let someone I adore depart my life in order for me to journey into a piece of myself I know I can only face with a higher power. And even Him I still question because I trust no one! I wish a spiritual big shot could provide me the answers as quick as I can open a bag of dope and recipe myself into an immediate fix. I’ve always been more willing to evade the throbbing process that’s required to address such frightening topics. Subsequently, it may just be another clout of painful optimism that is shedding light to the darkest side of hope to begin a new chapter into rewriting the book of me.