Hate to Weight
No question about it growing up a fat kid is hard. I hated myself and couldn’t understand what other people saw in me. Even today, everywhere I go, I can feel the eyes of others instigating the shame I’ve felt most of my life. I allow the world to see my appearance and the weight that makes up who I am. These are lifetime issues I battled for control over and lost every time.
A friend of mine always said my heart was as big as my boobs. I was always a caring individual who put other people’s needs in front of my own. At the time, I was 440lbs and couldn’t endure even walking too far without gasping for breath. It was then I decided to have weight loss surgery. I lost over 190lbs. As the weight came off my insecurities surfaced with a vengeance. When I was at my original weight I couldn’t participate in certain activities. If someone did ask me to be a part of I always felt like a burden due to my limitations. To no surprise, I still hated myself and couldn’t fathom being a desirable woman. Soon, after the surgery, my pastor and I would take walks together. At one point she told me she wanted me to walk by myself and talk to God. That terrified me! First, I’m off walking by myself, and then I’m stuck with talking to God the next thing you know. So, when I finally found that alcohol could remove these horrible feelings of insecurities, I replaced food with booze and was a hostage once again. There I was, drowning in alcohol, and I still hadn’t addressed any of my issues. The weight had shed on me, but my feelings of worthlessness were still eating away at my mental well-being. My body was smaller now, but my mentality of self was still stuck in ‘Fat Girl’ mode. People would tell me how wonderful I looked, yet I couldn’t hear a word anyone said, let alone accept that they were referring to me. Every pass in the mirror made me want to cover myself up even more. My external ugliness became all I could vision. I was told over and over again how much God loved me, but I realized that until I let go and trusted Him completely, I would never learn to love myself.
When I got sober, I understood for the first time that all I was doing was transferring my addiction from food to alcohol; and any other thing that would take me outside of myself. I didn’t like myself! Instead of being honest with myself and embracing the truth, I’d run from it. Now, four years into this long and painful process, as I work through the steps I have started addressing issues that I’ve avoided most of my life. Yes, my weight can still be my shield of armor at times to keep me safe from anyone seeing the beautiful woman who silently cries within me. However, today I pray and lean on God more each day and trust that He will guide me because he loves me. I am slowly coming to the awesome realization that the love that God has for me is greater than anything I have ever eaten or drank to make me feel complete. I had to hit a bottom where I was left with no one else to turn to but God. Sure, I still get into my funks of self-hate, but the only truth I can say that has worked for me is turning it over to God daily and thanking Him every day for loving and accepting me for where I am at today.
