God As I Don’t Understand Him

Thousands of newcomers who find their way into recovery often arrive spiritually fractured. From an early age, our understanding of God shapes our character long before we recognize our struggle with substance abuse. Growing up, we encounter larger-than-life figures, and religious authorities who mold us according to a blueprint designed to control humanity. Once we accept this narrative, the teachings of these so-called enlightened figures can feel like poison, eroding any belief that we’ve followed the right path, and leaving us feeling like failures. Yet, we hear others speak of reconciliation with a distant authority, a concept that’s hard for many to grasp.

For those who dare to revisit that blueprint, don’t be surprised if your highest expectations of God are shattered when innocent lives are cut short before they can graduate high school, when children die from curable diseases due to a lack of basic healthcare, or when millions starve in third-world countries without a chance to eat. Our sober reality is often filled with unanswered questions.

In many parts of the world, we are fortunate to have access to countless recovery meetings. But in other countries, those suffering from the same disease must drive for hours to experience a glimmer of hope, if they can attend meetings at all. And what about those who live in places where they cannot acknowledge any higher power other than the one they’re imprisoned under? Are we meant to understand God’s will for us, or is God’s will so complex that it’s beyond human comprehension, even for the brightest minds?

Sometimes, those who expect the least from a higher power gain the most from this unwritten journey. Until we land, broken from years of self-abuse, in the hands of others who have walked similar paths, the only power greater than ourselves is the substance we’re enslaved to. Once we get sober, a new way of life is offered to us, without any preconditions—an opportunity that, in itself, is a power greater than any in this often cruel and unusual world. Perhaps, for the rest of us, God as we don’t understand Him might just be the best understanding of Him we can have.